Therefore she does offer some tips on how to minimize additional damage to self esteem and spirit while still engaging with a narcissist. However, that is only one portion of the book. I can't review the book as someone in the throes of such a relationship as my relationship ended a while ago. I'm healthy and almost fully recovered now.
It was a practical and empowering read. The book focused primarily on romantic or family relationships with a narcissist, rather than neighbors or co-workers. For someone who may suspect they are involved or have been involved with a narcissist, it is also helpful and hopeful to find that what you have gone through or are going through is not unique to you.
View 1 comment. Nov 12, Natalia rated it it was amazing. This no-nonsense book is a lifesaver. I've been listening to Dr.
Ramani all over the Internet I highly recommend her podcast "Sexual disOrientation". She's a very eloquent woman and it shows in her writing. Also, she's an expert in her field of clinical psychology.
After spending nine years with narcs, I was finally heard and talked to as opposed to "talked at". The book will help you identify narcissists and it even gives different categories. For example, narcs that I've been with are not This no-nonsense book is a lifesaver. For example, narcs that I've been with are not your typical narcissists, so it took me a really long time to figure out what was up.
Incidentally, they both claimed depression and the book does in fact write that this type of narcs could be misdiagnosed with depression. In the core of the book, Dr. Ramani breaks down everything that has happened in a relationship with a narc and everything that will happen should you stay. She gives practical advice on how to conduct yourself if you stay and what to expect should you leave.
It is a very pragmatic book that at times sounds like come to Jesus. However, anyone who has ever been destroyed by a narc wishes there had been someone who would have taken them by the shoulders and made them see the reality and helped them get out before it was too late. I know I do. Alas, I was blinded and my story is a cautionary tale now, which is why I can vouch for this book. The main idea of the book, narcs won't change so you have to get on with the program, is reinforced in every chapter.
It is harsh but that one simple sentence will change your perspective on your relationship and will save your life. This book is brilliant and easy to read. I highly recommend it to anyone in an unfulfilling relationship where it feels like you're never good enough and everything is your fault.
Sep 29, Melody Sams rated it it was amazing. This book throws down some harrowing but true statistics, and implores people to wake up to the societal plague we are currently facing. It also functions partially as a guideline for how to deal with narcissism in a relationship, and gives advice on how to move past the often painful consequences of being involved with someone who exhibits these traits.
Jul 31, Reet rated it it was amazing. This book was recommended by my mental health therapist. Ramani is doing great by writing such self help books:. Apr 04, Jessica rated it really liked it. Great practical information to help you spot one in the beginning so you can make an informed decision about what to do before you commit to one AND practical tips for how to take care of yourself if you, for whatever reason, decide to stay.
Elsa Ronningstam and also Dr. Craig Malkin, who wrote Rethinking Narcissism. I'd def recommend this book though. Dec 04, Bookish Simulations rated it it was amazing Shelves: non-fiction , psychology-sociology , self-help. This book is for anyone dealing with a narcissistic partner, parent s , friend, work space, and is looking for a better understanding of the situation and the means to live the most fulfilling, whether they choose to stay or leave.
Aug 28, Ellen Van Den Broecke rated it it was amazing. Dr Ramani makes it her life project to help educate us on the landscape of pathological narcissism. I would argue it is a more severe epidemic than the current crisis we are facing. Narcissism is on the rise, already approximately, 1 out of 10 persons scores high on the diagnostic scale, meaning they leave behind a huge trail of wounded psyches.
Thus diminishing the narcissistic abuse suffered by such a big group of our population, all across the world. Apr 26, Natalie rated it it was amazing Shelves: highly-recommended. This is an absolute must read if you identify with feelings of hopelessness, powerlessness and confusion self doubt in a relationship. You don't know what you don't know! I had no idea why i felt that way Why I went to bed each night feeling like failure for never being able to make my partner happy, and why i woke each morning with fear of failure.
Every step i took in my life was on raiser stones and brittle egg shells, either to be cut or fear to tread. This book saved my life. Dr Ramini e This is an absolute must read if you identify with feelings of hopelessness, powerlessness and confusion self doubt in a relationship. Dr Ramini explained to me, they effects of gaslight and manipulation.
The book is a lifeline to those who are sinking in an abyss of despair If you require a light to guide you to understanding the spiritual melancholy of being in a narcassist relationship, this is it. Jun 15, leah rated it it was amazing Shelves: non-fiction , audible. I feel like my whole personality has shifted, and I thought there was something deeply wrong with me. I eventually chose to leave but if you choose to stay, there are tactics in here that I employed daily without realizing they were tactics.
Mar 01, Breanna Nater rated it it was amazing. Ramani Duvursala is excellent at educating her audience about narcissism. Written with couples in mind, the book gives a well rounded description of the pathology of a narcissist. As an adult child of a pathological narcissist, I found this to be a good refresher on the topic as well as a powerful reinforcement to stay NC for my own health and well being. I highly recommend this book as well as Dr.
Jan 09, Maria Torres rated it it was amazing. I heard somebody referring living with a narcissist as a "upside down" reality, referenced from Stranger Things on Netflix. The more I read about the disorder, the more I witness it in my own life, the more it starts to make sense. Frequently one can't read the label from the inside of the bottle, so I'm grateful for this resource as well as many others what help the victims of narcissistic abuse and myself see the true light, and not the one painted by the the person with particular disorder tr I heard somebody referring living with a narcissist as a "upside down" reality, referenced from Stranger Things on Netflix.
Frequently one can't read the label from the inside of the bottle, so I'm grateful for this resource as well as many others what help the victims of narcissistic abuse and myself see the true light, and not the one painted by the the person with particular disorder traits. Do victims deserve such a treatment? Definitely no.
Can we make positive changes right away, which usually consist of leaving the abuser? That depends on things too many to count. Sometimes the only way to leave "the upside down" is "to slay the monster" leave the abuser. I just wish it wasn't easier said than done. Sep 09, Ruby rated it liked it. Not a review Just a disclaimer. I am not in a relationship with a narcissist!
I would hate for anyone to think that about my beloved partner. I read this book because I believe I was in a relationship with a narcissist in the past. This book helped me understand and clarify that whole experience. I highly recommend this book. This book has been the turning point in helping me to move forward after the devastating abuse our family has suffered. It brought me peace I couldn't find anywhere else.
I only wish I had read it before our 4 years of hell. This book will help you recognize personality types and make wise choices. It's a must read. Jul 17, Vijayan Joseph rated it really liked it Shelves: Detailed description of how a narcissist behaves, how the victim experiences narcissism and the ways in which to manage it unfortunately, not many ways.
A simple book for the layman to understand the concepts and not going deep into why something like this disorder exists. Mar 27, Songweiyang rated it really liked it. Feb 19, Richard rated it it was amazing. It is really a survival guide! My father has narcissistic personality disorder and it really has a big impact in our family. All the things that Dr. Ramani says in this book is really happening in my family. I am not lucky enough to find this book early, but strangely and naturally we already did all the recommendations in this book, especially about managing our expectation.
My family internal relationship started to get better when I was in my clinical rotation and It is really a survival guide! My family internal relationship started to get better when I was in my clinical rotation and learned this personality disorder. I learned about narcissistic personality disorder, its nature and the prognosis and the outcome of this kind of disorder. And I must say, narcissist will not going to change. My mother keep staying in this relationship because she hopes that my father will change.
And after 27 years, I am sure that he's not going to change. With limited knowledge about this disorder, I decide to help my mom and coaching her about tools that we can use to cope with my father.
But before doing that, I went into therapy first. While in therapy, I found that I suffer from codependency, a type of mental issue that is happened because I've been raised by a narcissist. And I'll tell you that I took 2 years of therapy just to be the way I am now. While in therapy, I was reflecting on my previous relationships and how surprise I was that I was jump from one narcissist to another. I acquired this tendency because I grew up with narcissist father, that is the reason why I had never been in a reciprocal and satisfying relationship.
I've never feel how satisfying it is to have a partner that love me back. A partner who being emphatic to me. A partner that has kindness and loving soul in their sleeve. I spent many years just to jump from one toxic relationship to another, because I didn't aware about this disorder.
And it is true that they just use you to fulfill their grandiose fantasy. I was emotionally abused that I didn't realize that I adjusted myself. I became self-doubt, second-guessing and going to depression. I realized at that time that narcissist not only destroy you as a partner, but also your child and generations. I am the living proof of how dangerous this disorder is. Now, I am recovered from my codependency and this narcissist relationship. It takes me years to be in this state. To start believe in myself again.
To show what I feel, what I think and what I want to be, after years I learned to be silence so that I wouldn't make my narcissistic partner feel inconvenienced. My mom and my siblings use tools that we learned together to cope with my father. We manage our expectation and stop believing that narcissist will change.
Narcissist is a dangerous creature. I admit that narcissist is really charming, you will adore them, but when you connect with them, you'll know that they are not the one that you want to live with. I finished this book in two days. I devoured into this book. The first several chapters discusses about how to identify if your partner is a narcissit, or wosre, a pathological narcisst.
And then it goes on the survival guide. I left Chapter 8 and a great part of Chapter 9 unread becase I want to save it when I am ready. No matter what reason or what execuses are, I am still not ready yet. Becuase I still love him. Sadly but true. However I did find the suggestions and early red flags are super I finished this book in two days.
However I did find the suggestions and early red flags are super helpful. In these years, I often questioned myself why didn't I leave earlier? Why did I ignore or disregard those red flags even it made me feel so confused.
His irresonalbe actions and thoughts got explained in this book and in a way, it gave me such comfort for finding out that I am not the crazy one. I am so grateful for all the words Dr. Ramani shared in this book and in her Youtube video. Finding out that so many people are going through what I am going through, strangly, it gave me a lot of power and strength.
I am a better person than I was a few months ago. And I will survive till the day and I will hold my head high and walk out of this prison.
I woudn't say it is the ultimate survival guide. But Dr. Ramani, with her wise and vivid words, does give the best suggestions. Stop expect the change. Wonderful workbook to help build self-esteem and see your relationship more clearly. Is it him too? Or is it really me, as he always says? Before I read this book I allowed my husband to blame me for literally everything- his feelings, his choices, his actions, etc. I walked on eggshells for years before I realized that I was doing all the work and Wonderful workbook to help build self-esteem and see your relationship more clearly.
I walked on eggshells for years before I realized that I was doing all the work and I was the only one willing to change for the good of our partnership. Through this wonderful book I learned the language of standing up for myself and started to be able to sort out what things were my fault and what things he was responsible for.
I believe this could be one of the best relationship books out there. Reading it doesn't mean that you will choose to "leave. If the partner is reasonable and willing to make changes, evolve, then it can do a world of good for a relationship. But if you read this book, learn how to stand up for yourself and then your partner chooses to still not take you seriously and as in my case , then there's a much clearer pathway out the door.
It's a hard year or two leaving a relationship, but it would be an even harder life having stayed with my husband who just doesn't have anyone's interest in mind but his own.
May 21, Bnyenhuis rated it it was amazing. This was the best book I read ever on deciding on leaving a relationship or staying. I'd give it 10 stars if I could. I needed this badly in Bancroft writes with such compassion and empathy for women, and he really understands the power dynamics in society that we're up against. I'll be so disappointed if he turns out to be a sexpest like Michael Kimmel.
All the men giving this 2 star reviews and whining "it's not baaaaalllaaaaannnnced," you're telling on yourself. You're definitely one of these trash-ass men Bancroft is writing about, and I hope your partners are safe! May 25, Kerry rated it really liked it Shelves: psychology-and-self-help.
I will say there are some biases in this book - such as the default assumption that most abusers are men maybe this is true? On the other hand, this book hits many nails straight on the head. I found it very helpful. Jul 20, Lisa Butterworth rated it it was amazing Shelves: brain-books , divorce. This is an excellent book for folks struggling to understand selfish or immature or controlling or abusive behaviors in their partners. Also excellent for therapists working with folks in these situations.
Jan 30, Sarah rated it liked it. Should I Stay or Should I Go is more focused on abusive relationships than less deal-breaking incompatibilities, but it still provides useful frameworks for affirming your own worth and understanding what commitment and change look like from your partner.
Apr 02, Stephanie rated it really liked it. Sep 29, Lea M rated it liked it. So, I read this book purely out of curiosity. It's often mentioned in some women-led Facebook groups I'm part of, and I wanted to take a look for myself. Granted, I went into this book through the lens of the fact that I'm in a 7 year relationship with a man I love very much I told him upfront that I was reading this book in case he found it on my Kindle, which we sometimes both use, and felt a twinge of panic , so maybe I'm not the best candidate to review it.
It still didn't match what I expe So, I read this book purely out of curiosity. It still didn't match what I expected it to be. I expected this book to be about determining if you have an awesome, healthy, marry-this-person kind of relationship or if it's like "hey, maybe this isn't your forever stop.
I think a relationship can be bad for you in one way or another even if you're not fighting all the time. Maybe you bore each other. Maybe you don't specifically nourish growth in one another. Maybe your sense of humor doesn't match. Your values don't match! You have drastically different opinions on what a comfortable temperature is lookin' at you, 7 year boyfriend.
This is all to say that I thought the book was going to be about the more subtle ways in which people don't match in a relationship. That sounded extremely interesting to me! I was so curious. It was not about that. Instead, it was strictly about abusive relationships and abusive male partners specifically.
Which is very important to discuss! I just didn't expect it to be in this book. The synopsis doesn't really hint at that aspect. There are checklists that help you to determine if he's toxic and if you're being emotionally abused. There are ways of looking at your relationship to see if it's abusive.
There are breakdowns on the kinds of abusive men in relationships. In that aspect, this book did a great job. If you're in a situation that doesn't feel healthy, this book seems to be a fantastic guide and tool, and I really would recommend it to people in that circumstance.
However, I do also think, because of the book isn't blatantly marketed as that, I think it sets up an unhealthy idea that if he's not abusing you, it means he's a good guy, your relationship is good, and that you should stay. You can be completely incompatible with someone who doesn't do anything "wrong. Additionally, since this book is all about abuse, I don't like the idea that this book opens the door to justify staying. I think a healthy gentle nudge in the opposite direction should be the only default option when it comes to abuse.
If someone is seeking out this book, they probably already know in the back of their mind that something isn't right in their relationship, so why give them an extra opportunity to doubt it? Still, for the resource it actually is, it overall seems to do a really good job.
I wouldn't say it's perfect, but I see why it's recommended so much. Nov 16, Gina rated it did not like it. To be honest, I didn't finish this book.
I borrowed it from the library thinking it was actually what it was advertised to be - a guide to assessing your relationship and determining whether it can be saved or not.
I bought this as a female in a year relationship with a male who is a supremely wonderful human being. I am actually the one who has caused and continues to cause the vast majority of the troubles in our relationship. I can freely admit that, to him or anyone else, though actually To be honest, I didn't finish this book.
I can freely admit that, to him or anyone else, though actually modifying my behaviour and repairing the damage is another thing entirely Umm, no! This book is all about the different ways in which a man might be mistreating a woman, i.
Okay, so it's fine to write a book about what to do if you are a woman and a man is, in any way, mistreating you. I didn't actually read more thoroughly to form an opinion about the actual advice given, since I felt very strongly that this book was misrepresented! I was actually quite surprised by the content I encountered versus what I expected it to be, which was an honest guide to assessing the value of your relationship and whether or not it can be saved which is kind of the title?
This was a waste of my time, which could have easily been prevented by the title or, even better, the subtitle more accurately representing what the book is about. View 1 comment. Jul 23, Josh rated it it was ok Shelves: never-finished. While the book has some very good sections - especially in figuring out a current relationship and trying to decide what is normal in relationships - I find the wife slant of the book to be very one-sided.
The book is written fully from the standpoint of the female in the relationship. Even the online section that is geared toward males is firmly in the "the man is always wrong" standpoint. I find this standpoint to be very tiring - the book would be much better if written from a balanced viewpoi While the book has some very good sections - especially in figuring out a current relationship and trying to decide what is normal in relationships - I find the wife slant of the book to be very one-sided.
I find this standpoint to be very tiring - the book would be much better if written from a balanced viewpoint. View 2 comments. Jun 24, Georgette Quinn rated it it was amazing.
No one wants to have to read this book. No one wants to have to go through the pain that leads you to needing this book. It will get better. This book and its exercises helps you gain a better perspective on your relationship and on what a healthy relationship looks like and builds up your self esteem. No book or no one person can tell you if you should go or if you should stay. But this No one wants to have to read this book.
But this book helps you do the work to figure out the answer for your relationship. Jun 27, Laurice Grae-Hauck rated it it was amazing Shelves: divorce-and-custody. You love him when he is nice to you and wish that it could always be like that. But sometimes he is cruel and may even be physically abusive.
Is it time to get out of this relationship or is the abuse too much? Another great one by Lundy Bancroft that can help you sort through the mess of your troubled relationship to decide if it is worth sticking around or if it is time to get out.
Mar 06, Terrah Mayes rated it it was amazing. This book is more about you finding and nurturing yourself, setting clear boundaries and learning to love yourself as your best friend. It's not so much about hating your batterer as much as it is about honoring and loving yourself.
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